She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
