I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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