my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
