Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
