Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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