Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
