Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
