I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
