dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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