i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
