If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
