Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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