My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
