I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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