she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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