I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
