I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just had sex on a roof
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
