i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
