I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
