This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
