just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
