I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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