Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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