My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
