In the future we'll all be gay
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
