I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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