There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
