you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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