i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
