I want to have your abortion
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
