I want to have your abortion
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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