I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
