We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How external is "for external use only"?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
