We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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