and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
