my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
