dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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