sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I just sharted jello shots
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
