Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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