Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
