i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
