Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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