So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
