I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
