Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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