If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
