He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
