After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
