I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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