just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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